Takeover Unfiltered

The struggle is real, and that was the big thing I needed to step away from. Once I realized that the world kept spinning and the company didn't burn down because I wasn't there at a certain time in the morning, it was almost like a light bulb moment. Are you ready for the raw, unapologetic realities of reclaiming your life? Me too! So, tune into the Takeover Unfiltered podcast hosted by yours truly, Brianna Rooney, the Millionaire Recruiter, and Taylor Bradley, the Humble Hustler.

We're pulling back the curtain on our personal lives and sharing the ups, downs, and everything in between. From navigating relationships to juggling self-care routines, we're laying it all out on the table. You're welcome! We're all about taking control and making [] happen, so expect raw, candid talk, filled with uncensored language. It's time to own your journey, embrace the chaos, and unleash your inner badass. So, buckle up because we're about to take you on a wild ride to self-discovery and empowerment. Don't worry, we're still dishing out valuable insights into the recruiting world. It's all about finding that balance between work and play, and we're here to show you how it's [] done. Ready to kick some ass and rewrite the rulebook? Grab your favorite drink, cozy up, and join us for some real talk. You are not going to want to miss this!

Hey, welcome to Takeover Unfiltered! We have a special guest today, Haley O'Neal, which I'm super excited about. We connected because she was also on the list of top women in TA to watch in 2024, and we were jamming on what it really takes to be a mom and professional. So, super excited for you to be here, Taylor. Good morning as well. What is going on, ladies?

Oh, just living the dream over here, being a mom, a wife, a professional, all the things we're going to talk about. Sure, Haley has the same.

100%! All three, all day long, and how to balance it. Super happy to be here. I am a mom of two. I have a five-year-old daughter who is like going on 13 and an almost-a-year-old son. I'm based out of Philadelphia. I've been in TA for over ten years, and I love my career and being a mom. I truly believe you can do both, plus more, and do it well.

Yeah, very excited to be here and talk more about it.

Nice. So, what's exciting, especially for our listeners, just as a recap because I know this is some of the first episodes out of TA technically, but yeah, we have a TA leader. This is what we're going for—we don't have to be focused just on TA, but as our network is TA, we naturally have other just badass women and men that are going to come in from TA and beyond, and we're going to do episodes like this that just relate. Haley and I were talking about basically mom brain versus work brain, and I'm like, oh my God, we got to talk about this. So, thank you, Haley. So, tell us a little bit more about how you do that because I really liked how you structured it.

Yeah, a little backstory. I have always been one to multitask. When I was 16 years old, I was cheering, going to school, and working. So, building my career and becoming a mom, I'm like, oh, I can do this, right? I can continue to multitask and have like ping pong brain. Very quickly, I learned that was not feasible and unrealistic. So, I took a step back and really looked at the big picture of what I needed to do to show up as a better version of myself. It was a really simple solution of making the space to start my day the way I wanted to.

Going from waking up, taking care of my kids, getting them ready for school, getting them dressed, making lunches, to then taking a beat, 30 minutes whether it's walking, yoga, you name it, to transition into work brain and show up as my best professional self. That's just one side of the day, right? It has to happen at the end of the day too. With my husband being able to pick up the kids in the afternoon, that gave me the space to do the same thing in the afternoon. It could be prepping for dinner, which is therapeutic for me, or simply going out on the patio and basking in the sun and just breathing before the stampede of children come in and I have to go, go, go as mom.

The cooking thing, I'm like, that feels like a whole other job to me when you said I love that that's therapeutic for you. But I think when the day starts to come to a close, I'm like, okay, then the whole other job starts of where I got to get them to this practice and that practice and then I got to cook dinner and all of that. It's just the logistical part of my day. I guess it starts in the morning, then I have my work day, and then in the afternoon, it picks back up, and I feel like I'm just worn out till the time I close my eyes.

100%. I think where I have found it helps me, and I love cooking when I don't have to think about it if that makes sense. It's the planning, the grocery shopping, and putting the ingredients together. Once I have everything in front of me, that's when it becomes a comfort zone. But I'm with you; it is just a whole other full-time job after 5:00.

Yeah, and that makes sense. The grocery shopping, like I was telling my kids how much I hate it, and they're like, why do you hate it? I was like, because it's the never-ending task. You have to make the list, go and get the groceries, and then at my Walmart, I have to check myself out and bag all the groceries even if I've got a cart full of [__], and then load it all up in the car, take it home, unload it, and put it away. It's the longest, most never-ending task. But I guess the cooking itself, I never really thought about it like that. I don't dread the actual cooking part, it's all the stuff leading up to it, so you're absolutely right.

It's all the decision-making too. I think of this, like, I actually love going to the grocery store because that's therapeutic for me. I love to eat, but I also just get to go, oh, what do I want, just strolling down the aisles. Assuming that I don't have to get somewhere super fast. But I feel like that with the laundry. I looked at the laundry today, and I'm like, seriously, it's every goddamn day.

That's my therapeutic one, the laundry. I enjoy laundry, but it is every day. But that's the one I don't mind. We'll switch. I'll cook, you do laundry.

Laundry is the death of me right now with a potty-training three-year-old, so I will gladly switch. No, thank you.

How do you feel accomplished with both? Is that what those 30 minutes before and after are for? I think that's a whole other thing. We've got mom guilt, we've got failures happening over here, we're really hard on ourselves. I think every woman, maybe even every parent, can agree. But I feel like it's more of a mom thing. How do you deal with that? Is that your reflection time?

Yeah, the guilt is real, and that was the big thing I needed to step away from. Once I realized that the world kept spinning and the company didn't burn down because I wasn't there at a certain time in the morning, it was almost like a light bulb moment. The habit itself created a better version of myself, and I started to see that reflected in how I showed up for my kids. Instead of answering an email on my phone at 5:30, I'm watching my son as he tells me to, "Hey, Mom, watch this," for the 17th time in an hour. But I'm focused on them and present. I show up differently, more in the present and the moment instead of having that ongoing task of both.

I feel like I would wake up in the morning and have two running lists instantly. One was the mom list and the family list, and the other was the work list. What do I need to do at work today? What projects am I doing? What interviews do I have set up? The ping ponging back and forth exhausted me before I even sat down at my desk. Being able to have that moment and that time in the morning for my kids and family, then taking the time for myself, and then showing up as a better teammate, leader, and person just made more sense the more I did it. It snowballed and felt better and better as time went on.

Can we talk about work hours and how that relates to your schedule and what you just outlined? I'll give you some context here. In my last role, I had to be at my desk no later than 9:00. It was one of those jobs where I had to sit at my desk all day. There was no going and getting lunch, no taking a walk, nothing like that. I found it really challenging to get my kids to school at 7:30, wake up, do everything, breakfast, prepping, get them to school, get back home, get a good workout in, shower, make myself presentable, and be sitting at my desk by 9:00.

I never appreciated it more than when I worked for Brianna, and she had specific times. She would start at 8:00 a.m. her time, which is 10:00 a.m. my time. 10:00 a.m. is really the sweet spot for me to start a schedule because I always feel like I'm sacrificing something if I don't, and it was typically my workout. That's what makes me the best version of myself. I have to be able to move my body in the morning. I found myself feeling like I had to sacrifice something. I can't not take the kids to school, I can't not do breakfast, so I have to sacrifice the workout. We're not like men who can just take a quick shower. It doesn't happen that quickly for us.

I always see my husband, and he can do something and shower within two minutes and be sitting in front of the desk. I'm like, that's such [__]. I have to dry my hair, put on makeup; it's a nightmare. I wake up in the morning like, how am I going to fit this all in today? How am I going to do this? Then I go straight from work to taking kids to practices, cooking dinner, and it just feels like everything felt like a chore, like you said. I'm already behind; I've got two lists going by the time I wake up in the morning. But I feel like flexible work hours for me now are just key. I don't want to ever have to get to a point where I sacrifice my workout or my me-time for a job.

I feel very fortunate that I have a very flexible work schedule. I think that does make a difference. I work remotely, which is another wonderful perk. I think if I were traveling in person to an office, that commute would be my time. Why don't I give that to myself working remotely? Sitting in the car or in traffic might not sound like the greatest time, but if I have my favorite podcast on, my favorite Spotify playlist, or if I'm talking to my best friend and catching up, those are therapeutic moments that allow me to transition from one person to another.

I guess where I was coming from was, why don't I give that to myself here even when I drop the kids off at daycare, which is four minutes down the road? We're listening to Blippy, Danny Go, or my daughter is into Taylor Swift right now. It's not me-time; it is still kid-time. That space coming back home is so important for me. I don't know what the answer is for those who have to be sitting down at a desk at a specific time and are being accounted for. I've had a similar role in the past, and I can tell you that I wasn't the healthiest version of myself because it was just bam, bam, bam, one thing after another. I did not have a moment to breathe.

I'm curious to see how you, if you have had success in it, if others have had success in it. I am not one person to get up at 5:30 in the morning and have time for me. No, I like my sleep. Give me as much sleep as possible. This is how I have found it works for my personal experience.

I wake up at 4:50 and have a 5:15 in the morning workout, but that's because I am not an afternoon person. Anyone that gets on my calendar coaching-wise, don't pick the 3:00 because I'm telling you, I am not the best version of me. I shut down, but in the morning, I can rock that stuff really early. Did you talk to your work about this and say, hey, this is me, this is mom time, this is me-time, and I can start here, and this is what works for me, and you're going to appreciate the best version of me? Were you transparent there, or did it just work out that it's flexible?

It just kind of worked out that it's flexible. What I do use is my calendar. I block off the time on my calendar, so from 8:30 to 9:00, 9:00 to 9:30, that is a repetitive task on my calendar that my people cannot reach me then. That is my time. I do that in the morning and the afternoon, and you'll see it on my calendar. Even my leader always celebrates the way I use my calendar and how I organize myself. It was one of the best things I've ever learned in my career. It sounds so silly, but your calendar can be gold, and I use it to my advantage. My team knows that I'm not presently at my desk during those times.

What do you call it on your calendar?

It's just like me-time.

I love it. I am very fortunate to work for a company where wellness is intertwined into everything we do, so it's encouraged to take time like that for yourself. But in the past, I have worked for companies that don't quite encourage it as much. I just block it, and I keep busy. It's my personal calendar; they don't need to know where I'm at every single moment of the day. If I'm taking the time and space for me, you're going to get a better employee, team leader, and I'm going to show up more put together. I'm going to be more in the moment in meetings, not thinking about other things on my mind, having to do with the kids. You get the best version of me in those eight hours of the day.

That's incredible. Any employer that respects that after the situations I have been in... Fun fact for you, Haley, and for our listeners, I was fired from a job, my first and only job to ever be fired from. I had some time blocked for an approved PTO to chaperone my six-year-old's field trip. I got a call the morning of the field trip saying I needed to urgently work on this project. It was due, and it wasn't a project I knew about, but something that came up that morning. I was like, sorry, I'm on my son's field trip. I got the call at 7:00 a.m., took the call, which wasn't common for me at that hour. They told me what the deal was, and I reminded them I had that field trip. It was approved, on the calendar, did all the things right. They told me to pick one, and by the time I got out of the field trip, they had cut my access.

It was a crazy whirlwind of a job where I worked more hours than I think I have in a year in that one role. I was always struggling with the guilt of not doing what I should be doing for my family or leaving something on the table for work. I had all these things building up that I needed to do, and I felt like I was never mentally present in anything, always thinking about something else and the next thing I needed to do. But that was the one choice put in front of me. If it had been a doctor's appointment or something like that, I would have canceled my doctor's appointment, even though you have to book those out for months. But they put me in a situation where I had to pick between my kids and work. That's a no-brainer.

But I think there was a higher being looking out for me to get me away from a toxic situation. I wasn't the best version of myself for my family. I was always stressed, highly emotional, and feeling guilty. That was the part making me the worst version of myself, not cooking their favorite meal because I didn't have it in me by the time that hour of the day rolled around. It was little stuff like that piling up where I felt horrible as a human being if I didn't feel like I was doing the best I could at being a mom. Even though I was doing the best I could to survive, I wasn't prioritizing that role over everything else. I thought making money to support my family was the best I could be, but the guilt of leaving something on the table for work or for my family was a constant ping pong in my head.

That was a learning moment. No matter how much money I'm making or what the situation is, I will never do that again. The guilt was the part that drove me, the mom guilt of feeling like I was failing my kids by ordering food instead of cooking their favorite meal. It kept piling up for me, and ultimately, I felt horrible as a human being if I didn't feel like I was doing the best I could at being a mom. I wasn't prioritizing that role over everything else. It was a constant struggle of guilt.

Your time you're giving me all the bad chills over here, re-living it. Our listeners haven't totally heard this from you because we were going back and forth like, hey, how much do we want to talk about this because of other reasons. People should know, hopefully, you do have a choice. Unfortunately, not all women or people have choices, and that's what's hard. It's hard to say I don't have that time, I don't have the flexibility. How can I switch on and off? There's so much data showing how long it takes to switch tasks. Imagine how heavy it is for mom to work; it takes 15 to 30 minutes to fully be present in the next task. I think it's spot on how you do 30 minutes. I guess what I would love to brainstorm as individuals is how we give advice to people who don't have that luxury.

Well, you could wake up early in the morning, but for me, I like to work out in the morning. If I wake up earlier than when my kids go to school, it's dark outside, and I like to go for a run or a walk. We have woods in the back of our neighborhood, and I don't want to be walking back there early morning. I'm paranoid after watching too much true crime. I don't want to be doing that. I was conflicted about how to do what I need to do for myself and be at my desk by 9:00 a.m. I didn't have another choice because people often say, wake up earlier or do it after work, but there isn't an after work if you get done at 5:30 or 6:00 and have to go straight to activities. What's the solution?

When you think about it from a company standpoint and benefits companies offer, there's the conversation of remote work and how beneficial it is. The gold nugget here is flexibility. If companies can build that into their benefit plan, live by it, encourage it, and build trust with their employees, you'll get better teammates showing up. The better versions of your teammates will continue to show up with that flexibility. When it comes to those moments of having to be at your desk at a certain time or until a certain time, and there isn't flexibility, maybe that's when a conversation gets drummed up with your leader. If you have that relationship and rapport with them, you can say, listen, this is what I need to be successful in this role and show up the way you want me to, and have that candid conversation if they feel comfortable to do so.

I think that's so important. It goes back to transparency. I can't help but think, as a recruiter, going back to the data, there's tons of articles on this. I think California is trying to pass a four-day workweek because there's so much data showing our brains are not at our peak for that long, like four to six hours at most. Let's be realistic about what we can get done. The sad part is there's a lot of people who take advantage. We're over here working our asses off, and it's like, look, I need this for me. I almost wonder, would you take a 5 to 15K pay cut for flexibility?

100%.

Yeah, absolutely.

I think so too. I'm wondering how we start negotiating that. It's a whole other subject because women aren't great or comfortable negotiating, but it's about practice and role play. It's being very real. We're all scared, especially in this work environment, that there aren't a ton of jobs to go around. How do we negotiate that?

The flip side of that is, if you're willing to take a 15K pay cut for flexibility, but someone else isn't, maybe a man who isn't doing the bulk of those responsibilities, you're still going to have to work with people who didn't agree to the pay cut. You'll still have people reaching out to you who may not respect those flexible hours you agreed to. You could end up being forced into a situation where you're still working without the flexibility you wanted.

It's about boundaries, and that might be another podcast, but this year I decided to say no more often. A lot of people say yes more often, but I decided to say no more often because I was overwhelmed. I like to do lots of things, and now I'm like, no, I'm pushing myself too hard. I know we're coming up at time, but Haley, I want to touch on significant other brain, wife brain, whatever we want to call it, because that's another job too.

That took work, therapy, and communication with my husband. Reality is that he and I are not the same people we were 12 years ago when we met. Marriage changes you, kids change you, life changes you. I was sitting here like, hey man, I'm working my ass off, taking care of all the kids' stuff, doctor's appointments, dance classes, daycare, you name it. He's over here like, what about me? He just wants to be loved too. He is my golden retriever husband. Therapy helped me realize I wasn't alone and that other women and partners are experiencing the same thing. It takes communication.

At the end of the night, that's for my husband and me. Whether we're playing a game, watching a movie, or having an impromptu date night in the house, the kids are in bed, our phones are away, we're not checking emails, and we create the space for us.

I love golden retriever husband. I'm not married, but that's so relatable. I love that. So, now your husband knows that, look, you're at the end of my day. I'll get to you, but you're at the end of my day. Is that how you put it?

In the broad sense, yes. I was also sharing with him that I need the help. I had a hard time asking for help. If he's picking up the slack, doing afternoon pickup, grocery visits, and laundry, it gives me more space for him. My brain is less crowded and noisy, I'm not exhausted anymore, so our time together is good time.

A lot of men have a hard time being like, look, you were number one for a while, but then you have kids and work. It's more of an interchangeable thing. I'm not trying to make you third, but it just has to switch throughout the day and weeks. We have to come to that unconditional point where I got you, just one second. We don't crumble because we shut up and grin and bear it, sweep it under the rug. I also have a hard time asking for help. I even crumble when it comes to that. I have to remind myself that if someone asked me for help, I would do it in two seconds, so what's my problem?

I love that you said that, like, look, you can help me, or you can wait until 9:00 tonight, and I'll talk to you. Those are your choices.

Okay, we are at time. Haley, do you have a broke to boss tip for our listeners?

Yeah, and I'm sure you've heard me say it several times, create the space. Make the time for you. Use your calendar. It’s an awesome tool in your toolbox. Simply seeing it on your calendar and having that reminder of, oh, I shouldn't be sitting at my desk, I should be outside or doing yoga or reading a book. Throw away the guilt. It is an energy sucker. The world is going to keep going, the company is going to be just fine without you for 30 minutes. You're going to show up a happier, less stressful version of yourself.

Exactly, drop the mic. We're good. This was super great. For everyone listening, I'm sure you can relate to this. We love the comments, and if you have any other advice that helps you become more present in everything you do, we would love to hear it. You can be great at both. You can rock both, rock all three, rock whatever you want. It's a choice and a celebration of you.

All right, see you next week!

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